Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
