Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
