OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
