while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
