i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Damn victory sex feels great
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
