Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
