I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
smell my finger.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
