He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
