when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
