Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
