Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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