You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the day after is always just damage control
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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