Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
