everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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