those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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