So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
