69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
