I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize