so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
