I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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