A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
