Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
