omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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