you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
