I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Never joke about your clitoris.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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