she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
