Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
