i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
