My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Randomize
