So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
