I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
