theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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