tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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