love makes seman taste better
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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