do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
