Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
