My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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