Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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