I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
