I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I faked an abortion last night.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
