Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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