he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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