The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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