Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
