I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize