I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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