i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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