we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
