My friends, they love my intelligence
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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