I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
