i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
