i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Come share oat with me in your robe
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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