Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
