I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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