I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
