My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
