i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
