i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize