he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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