drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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