so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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