I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
