Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
