I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Randomize
