Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Randomize
