haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
